A Tale of Restricting Only to Binge on the Holidays

Since I was 10 years old, I’d start a diet at the beginning of September.

Every year, that’d be my time; the time I’d lose a bunch of weight in order to be allowed to eat at Christmas.

And I did. I’d restrict, only to binge my butt off every Saturday. Yet, I’d lose the weight and on Christmas morning, I’d jump out of bed ready to eat for 3 days straight.

In Germany, we celebrate Christmas for 3 days, it’s pretty rad actually. And while I imagined it to be heaven, every year, Christmas sucked. It was all about the food and even before we’d had our first Christmas dinner on December 24th, I’d be so stuffed I could hardly breathe.

But I had to eat, you know?

I had to because I’d dieted for months in order to finally eat what I really wanted to eat, or at least thought I wanted.

Because in reality, I didn’t want to shove fifteen boxes of cookies down my throat. I didn’t want to eat so much dessert that I felt like throwing up. I didn’t want to eat all day long.

But I was to stubborn, too much caught up in this whole idea of dieting, restricting and having cheat days where I was allowed to go full out.

It was an insane time and there was not an ounce of body respect in my mind. I hated my body and thought that I could only tolerate it if my mind determined when, how much and what I ate.

Mind over body forever.

Fear over freedom.

Misery over happiness.

Insanity over balance.

Today, I approach Christmas in a completely different way. There is no more fear of gaining weight during the holidays. There certainly are no diets starting in September. And there is also no more binging.

Why?

Because I am well-fed in the entire year.

I am well-fed every single day, so I don’t need a special occasion to stuff my body so full it wants to puke.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas dinners. I love Christmas cookies. I love my Advent calendar and I love to celebrate Christmas for 3 days straight. It’s fun. It’s exhausting. It’s a time of the year I cherish.

I probably eat more than I usually do but I am not frantic anymore. My thoughts don’t spiral, my body doesn’t hurt and ache.

I am truly free.

This is the result of now almost 6 years of deep work on myself. This is the result of many setbacks but many more decisions to continue to heal. This is the result of my desire to be free, completely free of the chains I put around myself at 10 years old.

And it is freaking amazing.

Looking back, there used to be so much fear and pain and now it feels as if the fog has dissolved and I am free to live the life I am meant to live.

So, if you are in the middle of the diet before the Holidays, STOP.

Instead of making anything better, you’re making things worse. You are actually programming yourself to binge. You are creating the exact circumstances your body and mind need to go crazy during the holidays.

But I promise you that it can be different.

I also promise you that you don’t have to eat everything in sight to enjoy the holidays.

And I promise you that if you ate everything in sight during the holidays your life won’t end.

The more you diet now the more you’ll pressure yourself into eating it all because a) you haven’t felt nourished in months and b) you need to eat it while you still can, right?

So, stop.

Now.

And give your body what it wants today. Not on Thanksgiving. Not on Christmas Eve. Not on New Year’s.

Don’t live your life for the special occasions. Don’t restrict only to eat way more than you usually would on the cheat days.

Don’t continue to lie to yourself and instead begin to heal today.

Begin to do the work. Take yourself seriously. Take your happiness seriously and allow yourself to go through the process towards loving your body and creating your uniquely normal relationship with food.

Do food your way, but don’t do it in a way that hurts you more than anything else.

And if you’re now saying that this is the last year you’re going to restrict, then again you’re lying to yourself. If you don’t change now, you won’t change tomorrow or next year. Because you don’t really want it. Or you’re scared of it, which is fine. I was scared, so freaking scared all the time. And still I pushed through because I knew that there were better things ahead.

There are better things ahead for you too, a life of freedom, a mind that doesn’t circle around food all the time.

Allow yourself to catch this life. Allow yourself to be happy, to be free.

As always, it is totally up to you.

Do you want it or not?